Recently I was joking around with a client who was asking for some translations of what men might say in bed, what they really mean. It’s funny on one hand, but could also be informative! I thought, aha! My next blog article.
It seems like there is only enough blood in the male body to operate the brain or the penis, but never the two at the same time. The result of this physiological/psychological failure is a guy who will blurt out some of the cutest, dumbest, sexiest, sexist and strangest things in bed that women have ever heard. Here are a few of my favorites.
1. Do You Like That? – Translation: I don’t really, but I’m wondering if you do.
If a type of sex truly feels good to a guy, it is rarely accompanied by a complete sentence. In fact, the better it feels, the more difficult he will be to understand.
2. Oh @#$1, $#?@! or $%#!!! – Translation: Oh yeah, this feels good.
This is a guy’s way of warning his partner of the pending danger of him leaving the station without her aboard. This is usually followed by her disappointed sigh, “Already?” and an uneasy giggle from the guy who is too ashamed to say anything else.
3. I might have a condom. – Translation: I do, but I don’t really want to use it.
That condom will probably appear pretty quickly, once you start to get dressed.
4. Weeeeeeeee! Translation: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
As the brain loses blood in preparation for the big O, a man will scramble to maintain his macho image. He will try, and many times, he will fail. Some guys have been known to squeal like that cute little piggy in the Geico commercial.
5. Don’t do THAT! – Translation: Don’t do that!
Most guys have come across a woman who has helped herself to his “no-zone.” Guys like an excited woman who is full of surprises. However, there are just some places on his body he would want you to stay away from. It’s best to talk about this before you get down to business.
6. Are those real? – Translation: I can’t tell.
He’s only curious. Perhaps he is a bit rude, but mostly just curious.
7. I love you! – Translation: I love having sex!
8. Are you ready? – Translation: Is it time, or do you still need to be warmed up?
Some guys are like vampires; they have to be invited in before entering your home.
9. Sex makes me feel naughty! – Translation: I like thinking that what I am about to do is dirty!
A lot of guys who grew up with the idea that sex is naughty, get off on reiterating that fact as they are about to engage in the act. These are the guys who like to talk dirty to themselves, which can take some getting used to.
10. My hat/t-shirt never come off. – Translation: I have not been to the gym or used Rogaine in a really long time.
It’s not a style, it’s an insecurity. Turn the lights off.
11. Are you okay? – Translation: You look like you’re in pain.
Sometimes men can’t tell the difference between what feels good and what doesn’t for you.
12. I’ve been saving myself for you. – Translation: I am a virgin, or at least I want you to think you’re special.
If you have sex with nice guys, you may eventually run into virgins.
13. Call me “Daddy” – Translation: I’ve been called a dork so many times, can we please try something else.
This guy has been watching too much porn, and it’s not working to his advantage!
14. Oh, oh… I can’t do this! – Translation: I just remembered I have a girlfriend.
Some guys think it isn’t cheating if they don’t orgasm.
15. It must be cool to have a vagina and boobs. – Translation: How are you not distracted all day?
A lot of guys think about the universe and the meaning of life after a great orgasm. They can feel a sense of cosmic unity, and want to share their new awareness with you. But rather than expressing deep, philosophical ideas, he just says something dumb.
16. Peak-a-boob! – Translation: I am nervous about taking your bra off.
Or, “I don’t know how.” It’s bad enough that he is tugging and pulling at your bra like it’s Fort Knockers, then he has to say something totally un-suave to kill the mood