Torn Between Two Men?


When faced with the choice between two lovers, the heart may pull you in one direction,  but sometimes this can fool you into making the wrong decision. Here are seven questions designed to help you make the logical choice in a rather illogical situation.

1. Is it Really Love? – There are two things pulling you towards most love triangles. One, an infatuation for the new (guy or gal). Two, a familiarity to the old ex. What is love? I think most would describe it as being a combination of security, romance, and commitment. If you look at both relationships you’re juggling right now, you can see that someone is not getting the Full Monty every time you say “I love you.” If you discover where your true commitment resides, you will know with whom your heart truly belongs.

2. Do You Fear Letting Go of Your Ex? – In many divorces/breakups, we are drawn to remain friends with our ex. This is great, especially when there are kids involved. However, one drawback is that this can rekindle old feelings, which makes it just that much more difficult to move on and invest yourself in another relationship. You don’t want to secretly be keeping a part of yourself reserved for the one that got away.

3. What Draws You to Each of These Lovers? – Research has shown that there is usually one way that we split romantic feelings between two people. We take two people who share some of our greatest interests, and combine them into one fantastic person. What you really need to consider is if either of these lovers isn’t enough by themselves, you’re probably better off without either of them. This is one case where you are dealing with a lose-lose situation. No matter who you choose, you will never be completely satisfied.

4. How New is This Second Love? – Researcher Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University suggests that most love affairs produce an excess of stress hormones in the blood. This can distort our perception of the other person, making your fear of getting caught feel like falling in love with that person. Before you get too far with this second lover, think about investing your new-found excitement and passion into your existing relationship. You might be surprised by how much good will come of it.

5. Are You Using the Word “Love” to Sugarcoat the Realization That You are Cheating? – Most people in love triangles are unaware of each other, so regardless of whether you’re married or playing the field, you’re cheating someone from the truth. We like to think of ourselves as a good person who would never purposely hurt someone. One way to accomplish this is to blame cupid for needing a new pair of prescription glasses. However, I think we both know who’s really at fault for this predicament.

6. Are You a Product of Divorced Parents? – While divorce does not always have damaging effects on the kids, one byproduct of watching this drama unfold is a fear of intimacy. In order to curb this fear, some kids learn to bolster their relationships by demanding perfection in their partners. The result of this is an idealized view of marriage and a fear of commitment. In other words, you may worry about settling, because there’s the chance that somebody better might come along. With your heart set on finding a saint, your next love triangle will always be one step away from every mysterious stranger you fantasize about being your soulmate.

7. Are You Really Prepared to Open This Can of Worms? – If you’re thinking of adding a new love to your repertoire, think very carefully about the hurt and confusion you’re about to unleash on yourself and, eventually, your two lovers. You may feel like you have more than enough love to give to everyone, but you’ll still be cheating both partners out of a true commitment. Trading in a lemon for two oranges may seem like a good idea, until you realize a little sugar is all that’s usually needed to turn that first option into a tall glass of lemonade!

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